21 Feb 10

111th post.
this post is going to be quite truthful.
ignore me if you find me different.

finding meaning in my life.
find meaning amongst all the nags.
finding meaning in school,
in cca.
what do i do all these for?
who am i supposed to show it to?
and to get what?
show myself that i can do it?
to get personal satisfaction?
to get a job in the future to earn money for myself?
to be independent?

yes i want to be independent.
i want independence now.
i want freedom from control.
there, i said it.
i want to control my life.

know why my dad always pisses me off?
because he is always leading my life for me.
nicholas, do this, nicholas, do that.
open the windows, close the windows.

i already know what to do for a simple instruction like 'clear up here.'
stop adding on 'wind this wire wind that wire.'
i'm sixteen, going on seventeen.
surely i can have a say?
or not.

im a gutless coward.
i want someone to hug.
i want to have someone 24/7 to talk to,
to cry on,
to listen to my every bullshit.
i want someone to know and accept the real me,
someone who knows my every pros and cons and not attack them,
someone who allows me to do whatever i want whenever i want.
someone who is always there.
then again,
how's that possible.

why do i get emo?
because im always thinking if that person will ever come.
why do i cry?
because that person will never come true.
why do i get quiet?
because of sheer hope that maybe this person will come.
that maybe my burdens will be halved.
that maybe my mood will get diffused.
that maybe that someone, anyone will cheer me up.

but even if that comes,
im still a gutless coward to accept it.
to smile,
to dare to hug.

epic fail.
meet the failure of a nickhan.

please dont tag/talk to me about this post.
im posting to forget.
im hoping you read to forget too.
a slice of nickhan's life.
on the inside.