7 May 10

when do you feel inferior,
is it when you fail real badly,
1/15 economics,
now 5/24 for bio?
are you actually feeling inferior and stupid when you wanted to break down in bio?
are you running away when you say 'i dont know'?

are you trying to distract your mind with floorball and swaveboarding?
distract your mind from the world,
from the fact strings didnt let you get into housecomm,
from the fact you are the worst in strings,
from the fact you are one of the worst in class,
from the fact you're lonely,
from the fact you're sensitive,
that you think too much,
that you have no reason (left) at all to study,
that you want to give up and not study anymore,
to go poly and rot,
to go work,
earn money,
spend money on others to see them happy so that you will be happy,
when all your friends go 'dont sad lah' and you really just want to break down and cry,
when you have no motivation, no reason in life, nothing that's left anymore,
when you dont even feel significant to yourself anymore.

i guess this is called giving up.

i really feel insignificant,
inferior,
demoralised,
unmotivated.


tell me,
what does my life mean to you.


even if i wanted to talk about it ill just break down
and im afraid of my image to others
and i dont dare to hug even if anyone offered me a shoulder,
to talk even if anyone offered to listen,
to burden my friends, family.

so what if i have everything.

i have nothing.
a knife in my body, growing outward and cutting as time passes, not noticing until pain comes, until you have time alone to feel your body.

at the end of the day,
as much as i feel happy in school,
it is always overcome by all of my problems when it comes back into my head.

and i always run away.
loser.
why didnt this fucker go and kill himself since so long ago.

and i really really really really really really really really dont want to talk about it.

i want to cry my night away.

if birthday wishes do come true,
so many things i'd wish for.

i'd wish you to be happy.
i'd wish i can get back on track with my studies.
i wish i could be normal again, not hiding my true self behind a mask.
i wish my friends not to be burdened by me.
i wish i could leave strings.

too bad science cant prove you'll be given a new life if you die.
or else i'd have killed myself long ago.