9 May 10 #2

well in the end,
i think i didnt manage to be happy throughout.

face it,
im not coping well with school.
im not coping well with homework,
with projects,
with cca,
with family,
with friends,
with myself,
my feelings and my rationales.

im breaking down so often these days.

what does it mean?
must i give myself more pressure?

am i not confiding enough?
must i confide in more people?
but im really not good with the idea of confiding in others
to some extent they'll just get pissed with me.

how bout my feelings?
i think i have to let it go.
i dont know how to approach that.

'you should wish her happiness, let her go, and move on'.


im finding motivation in my life.
motivation to study,
to do homework,
to listen in lectures and tutorials,
to practice for strings.

im finding meaning in my life.
is life such a straightforward route?
must our lives be directed by a specified route?

why are my parents becoming worse?
why dont i see them in harmony,
why did my dad become such a detestable person,
why am i detesting everything he does?
how do i 'forgive and forget and tolerate' in the family?

just like time can never be reversed,
i shall not look backward at that month.

i shall try to look forward to the next of the month.

my heart doesnt feel like an empty vessel anymore.
it feels like a vessel of crude oil.
it needs purifying and it needs something else to pump my heart.

im feeling so lonely,
so demotivated and so inferior.

worst of all i cant seem to confide because of that never-ending
'ill burden you, you'll get sick of the shit im saying and you'll hate me'

i want to run away, but it is never an option.