2 July 10
bad/sad mood.
forgot to post yesterday.

so yesterday was the end of exams.
chem was..
well,
definitely need more chem practice.
everyone needed more time.

then we went out as a class to eat at sakae.
around 10 people.
well ill just write it here although some classmates are reading.
the class is really really not that close as i hoped it to be.
there are cliques,
eh actually im fine with cliques. seriously. (sorry sid)
even if you wanna give your clique a name, go ahead.
just that when we do stuff as a class,
like class lunch or what,
the excuse not to go is just really quite sad when i rethink what happened again.
'i wanna go home sleep'
'i have plans'
alright lets not mention yesterday,
lets say it was just unplanned and noone received notice.

at least reply smses to indicate you've received an sms of notice or question.
i still remember start of the year when i sent an sms to the class.
i can distinctly remember 4 people who used to reply.
now they dont.
heck,
i bet some people would even find me irritating.
have it your way,
the class is going to be dead to me soon.
dont expect any happy CT rep.

speaking about happy.
you're supposed to be happy and content with your life.
instead you're looking at every teeny weeny thing and feeling frustrated and angry and sad about it.
either you're a truly emo kid or you just suck.
and your father is self centered to the max,
you really hate your family be it because your mom counters that she doesnt treat you like a dog,
your mom is in the year of the snake while your dad is year of the pig,
they always are in conflict and end up the kids bear the brunt,
you are finding every fault with your parents and you cant seem to forget it,
you want non-materialistic stuff but they never seem to come
wait. they never come.
you've failed greatly in life three times,
you've lowered your expectations in your academics so much that now you want to just learn violin and get over it,
not mentioning the fact you didnt even bother to try study for mid years and gave so much excuses,
where you always want fun but you dont know how to balance.
where you always think you're good enough.


is this truly what it is supposed to feel like,
your music teacher assumes things about you and starts explaining why you are wrong,
your father assumes whatever he wants like assuming you are last minute and had no brains when you wanted calculator batteries at 10pm on sunday (when actually you just turned your calculator on to find out how to reset the thing for maths on wednesday and your calculator told you it is running out of battery)
your mother always is not happy with what you do,
you have a baby cockroach on your wall staring at you,
a black insect flying around you,
and you are always hardly willing to open up to your friends or family.
family because they would never understand.

try this.
imagine you're on the beach,
and it's at night and hardly anyone there except your friend who wants you to just shout to the ocean to release your feelings.
you shout.
feel that rush of feelings rush up your head.

back out of imagination,
do you actually feel tears swelling up and coming out?
i did.

well,
at least i dont need to worry about romance because noone would want to date a kid who show's he's emo.
maybe one day when i act happy around people then they might be nicer in their hearts.
yeah whatever.

dammit,
im supposed to be at least relaxed when exams end.

strings practice is coming soon.
i need to practice instead of feel shit about life.

heck, lessons are starting again next week.
and pw.
another sad thing to worry about.





how do i put myself back on track.
seriously.