"Things are progressively changing. The complete fusion of space and time dictates that we live in infinite time-frames that consistently decay and give way for new frames to emerge. Our lives are shortening, (and I like this phrase) we are at the youngest point of our lives now. So live it to the fullest. Come to think of it, it's like every second I feel different- my cells inside me live and die, I'm completely different every nanosecond.

It's just the memories in my amazing network of neural cells reminding me of who I am and where I belong in this society. But even nerve cells die (although some live a lifetime), the neural networks decay and are rebuilt with some errors, and many other conditions that make our memories all twisted when we grow up. Many memories just become left in the corner of the brain, probably in our "Recycle Bin". Some of them are left on the "Desktop", constantly appearing because we still remember these vivid events. Some are left in clearly labelled folders, waiting for a trigger like a place, person, song or whatever to open that memory again.

However, when we die, all these "memory files" just die with us. Perhaps looking back at these archives make us proud of ourselves as an individual, or perhaps it brings back disgusting, horrible deeds and memories that we have left behind. I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are no regrets to be made in life, you need to live your life to the fullest. Like- do everything that you REALLY want to do, and not commit any grievous crimes, not make any wrong mistakes, not letting yourself and your loved ones down. Because while we don't fully comprehend why we are here in this world, and we often waste all these entities of time and space away because we think that we are immortal and won't die- like how I languish and rant about my decaying life, I think I still need to move on with my life no matter how shitty it gets.

I mean- I got dealt a pretty bad set of cards aka circumstances (check out my old blog post about happiness), it's like 2 2 3 4 5, while others get lots of Aces, Kings, Queens and Jacks. Or perhaps I didn't get a bad set of cards when I was born, I just acquired more horrible cards later on- while others lived a relatively better life. Yes I say relatively, who knows? I wonder who feels as miserable as me sometimes, even if they are smart, popular, handsome, buff, talented in whatever there can be in this world and so on. It's really queer that we must compare with others in this competitive society, and in all these years that I have been living, breathing, writing this blog, I have probably committed this grievous mistake and found no peace and serenity in my life trying to acheive a idealistic life bench-marked by the seemingly happiest person I believed to be.

Then again , I might have gave myself these horrible set of cards halfway through, I handled them really poorly. If life is one big poker/liar game (good manga!), I must have revealed my cards and made myself really miserable, because people just trampled upon me. And with this horrible circumstances upon myself, I didn't bother to improve myself and climb out of this vicious cycle. Or perhaps I didn't learn to be content with the cards I have obtained.

I was also thinking possibly that karma possibly turned against me. I have committed lots of horrible deeds in my life, I have. I justify myself by telling myself that others have also done so, and it's a real cruel world, so I don't care. But I guess it all just came back to myself- all my evil deeds, all my selfishness, my ignorance, my flawed personality that made me a loner as I am now and often dissatisfied about my life. However deep in my mind, I'm quick to point out that others have also done horrible things and left unpunished. I guess life is just unfair. Relatively when compared to better people. I wonder how low can I drop in my dreadful life.

I just hope that all these is over before I go into army - so that I can start a new life (aka clicking the refresh button) and find many many new friends that understand me. I also want to leave my shell of shyness, loneliness and etc. and be a more open, honest, brave and loving person towards others. This is a hardened shell that I can't climb out of- a shell created by others who see me as what I am. Unfortunately, I often put up a false front to be as mainstream as possible, and to commit as little offensive actions as possible towards others. However, I believe I'm a butterfly hidden in this cocoon, waiting to reveal itself when the time comes and people truly appreciate me instead of neglecting me sometimes. Hopefully this positive energy will resonate with others and that I might find better companionship as many have had now and also a sense of tranquility deep in my soul. We'll see how it goes."

"getting into relationships change people. the general feeling i get is that the person becomes a lot more confident and secure.

with some people it's a good thing. like i have friends who opened up much more and were less prone to bouts of awkwardness.

then with other friends it becomes shitty. because in their new found confidence they become more reckless in what they say, offend people more easily, and the worst, they start to disregard their friends.

it's a change that's very saddening to see. and now i'm just so pissed cos i just feel severely under prioritised because the whole thing has degraded to the point where there is no reciprocation at all to the commitment i give to my friendship. feeling like a lesser friend isn't that bad. i feel like some slave now."

"//And I don't see the point in falling in love with someone cos you think they are pretty/handsome, because the feeling's not going to remain that forever. It's something you got to nurture and give it time to blossom, that's why i don't believe in love at first sight. Sometimes I feel a little grown out of this love experience, maybe I'm tired or I'm just comfortable with everyone being friends at the moment. Cos I just can't see myself being in a relationship with anyone in the near future - and not having the financial means to sustain one definitely. "